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Gift Ideas for People You Don’t Really Like

Monday, March 19, 2018

I once read a meme on the internet that said something about not “being everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay”. I turned to my partner and said “Who wouldn’t like me? I’m a fucking delight!” And then we laughed and laughed.

Gift Ideas for People You Don’t Really Like

 

By Amy Ahearn of Handbagmafia

 

I once read a meme on the internet that said something about not “being everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay”. I turned to my partner and said “Who wouldn’t like me? I’m a fucking delight!” And then we laughed and laughed.

Being a woman with opinions and internet access, I’ve encountered many people who don’t seem to like me much, but you know what? The meme was right! It’s totally fine if people out there aren’t super-keen on me, because it turns out, there are a shitload of people that I’m not especially fond of either!

Sometimes, though, we are forced to make nice with the people we don’t especially like. Like, super nice. Nice to the point of having to buy them gifts on special occasions. But what if I told you there was a way to get them a gift that spelled out how you feel, while coming off as a HILARIOUS, tongue-in-cheek joke? 

The Monster-In-Law

If a dragon gave birth to your significant other, why not show them how you feel next birthday? What a hoot! Surely the person who offers endless unsolicited critiques on your housekeeping/cooking/parenting/marriage/appearance will have a sense of humour when presented with a little bit of criticism in return? Especially if it’s in huggable form! Think about what they do that bothers you the most and turn it into a catchy embroidered slogan!

“I didn’t ask for your advice, Brenda.”

“Back off, Susan.”

The Humblebragger

I think every office has one of these. You know the type: “I know it’s only Monday, but I am so exhausted- yachting all weekend!” Invariably, you’ll end up with the Humblebragger for Secret Santa. Think back to all the insincere bullshit you’ve been forced to listen to all year and condense it into a line that says it all, wrapped around a furry cutie!

“Nobody cares about your boat, Chris.”

“Everyone knows the 911 is the Poor Man’s Porsche.”

The Borrower

Whether is $20 or a garden tool, this person, often a relative, doesn’t get the whole borrowing thing. They’re happy to take your stuff but “forget” to return it. You chase them for a few months, then give up in frustration. But they’re your sibling or cousin or long-time friend, so you can’t say anything… Or can you? Say it with a Swear Bear!

“Happy Birthday, Greg! Bring back our fucking lawnmower!”

“Happy 40th, Jen! Please return my goddamn stick-blender!”

The One with the Terrible Opinions

Everyone has one of these relatives or acquaintances. They firmly believe that everyone has the RIGHT to an opinion, ESPECIALLY them. The fact that they generally have little, to no, idea about what they’re discussing is deemed irrelevant. These are the dingbats who think asylum seekers are gifted free houses and cars and welfare payments triple what aged pensioners get (hint: not true). Or that same sex couples shouldn’t marry, marijuana cures absolutely everything and putting sliced onion in your socks will rid you of the flu. And they’re certainly not willing to discuss their position because holding a shitty or ridiculous opinion is their RIGHT and who are you to interfere with that? Let them know with a catchphrase they’ll see every time they look at their snuggle-buddy:

“King of Bad Opinions.”

“Not All Opinions Are Equal. Some of them fucking suck.”

The Mass Debater

If you know one of those people with terrible opinions, I’m all for challenging them. Point out the flaws, throw a few links at them (if it’s online) and hope that, even if they dismiss you, someone might read along and learn something.

Separate to that, though, is the Mass Debater (yes, that was intentional). These wankers will argue the point of just about anything, regardless of what they actually think, because they think their debate skills are amazing. When in actual fact, they’re exhausting and boring. There is only so much Devil’s Advocate one can take, so let them know at the next special occasion.

“Every time we see your Facebook posts, we compete to see whose eyes will roll the most”

“No one thinks you’re edgy, Brian.”


Amy Ahearn is powered almost entirely by caffeine. She spends the days she isn’t working studiously avoiding housework. She has written a bunch of things published by a bunch of different websites, but the uncensored stuff can be found at www.handbagmafia.net

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